At this point in my life, every moment and event just feels like a dream. It makes me feel as if I’m just experiencing life with my eyes closed mentally. Like my mind is wandering and my body is just carrying out my everyday activities how it thinks it should. I can’t explain it the way that I want to because to a certain extent, I haven’t grasped the understanding of it all myself.

Honestly, I might never understand it, considering it’s been so long since I’ve been on this journey of understanding. I can’t figure out if it’s something I’m missing or something I’m overlooking. Some piece of information from my past that I missed. Or maybe, something that’s already happened might hold the answer, but I may have never really fully analyzed it. With that being said, I’m trying to look at the little memories that I can recall, the significant ones. One of these experiences has to have an answer or a clue to my decline.

A reason why I feel like someone else on most days than actually being myself. Translating from me feeling real close to getting myself together, to feeling like I’m falling apart the next day. Just constant repetition of the same situation within my mind. I just can’t seem to grasp the old me. Instead, I’m grasping clones and fake images of what I think is me. It might seem crazy the way I’m explaining my thinking, but I know honesty is the best policy.

It’s how I’ve been with myself throughout my whole life. I’ve always been honest with myself with my feelings, my thoughts, and decisions. It’s the only way I’ve been able to grow as a person by analyzing my past experiences and spotting the mistakes I made. But now, my growth feels stunted and the same technique isn’t working, at least in these current situations. I need something different to elevate myself, some kind of alternate method of looking at things; a different perspective.

I want to figure this thing out before my condition gets any worse. Before my thoughts become too much for me to handle. Eventually, I’ll just be touching thoughts that have no substance, no meaning behind the madness. In a world so covered in black mist, it’ll be impossible to decipher anything in my mind. There have been plenty of times when I felt like I was already within that kind of mindset.

But, I guess every time I’ve been able to fight through it and persevere. I know I’m getting closer to those days where I’ll be losing pieces of myself and never gaining them back. Or maybe I’m overthinking, and I don’t even know I’m already losing myself. The possibilities of my decline are endless and more just keep revealing themselves as the days go on. Maybe, I’m not meant to fix what’s going on and this is just supposed to be me.

A secluded antisocial person with mental issues. I guess I should accept that this is me, that I’ll never be the person I know I can be.

Written by: Synciear (Syn)